Yesterday came with a lot of different emotions. I didn't blog last night because I wasn't quite sure how to put it all into words. As we sat in church, I replayed the last few years of my life. (I have clear memories of reactions and feelings in church) Four years ago we had just started trying to have a baby so it was just a "oh, I will probably have a baby in my arms next year" feeling. We weren't into the calendar counting phase yet, just seeing where we ended up without a ton of effort. Yes, that works for a lot of people....not us. :) Three years ago I was taking clomid and was an emotional mess on this Sunday as well as many others. That pill was AWFUL. Two years ago I had miscarried and we were in the 'what next' phase. Last year, I knew about Olivia and I longed to have her in my arms. This year, we had her. There she sat--in my lap, sweet and everything we dreamed of. However, she has only been home two months. I love this child so much, but yesterday was a tough day for some reason. By the end of the day I thought if I hear "Happy Mother's Day" one more time I will scream! Truly, my day ended in tears.
I still struggle with feeling like a mother. As my mom and many have told me, that is a feeling some struggle with even after giving birth. I don't doubt it. I put so much pressure on myself that I seem sad at the end of the big day/event. Maybe it is because the day is over? I really don't know. This doesn't always happen, but it does happen too often. I don't know what I expect??? I don't know what a mother feels like??? Some moments, I have felt very much like her mother, others, I still feel like a babysitter. It really stinks to have these mixed feelings because I wanted/want Olivia SO much. I know I love her. I can't imagine her not being here now. I look forward to seeing her in the morning (not too early), and I love to snuggle with her. We have our moments of frustration, but I know that comes with the territory. I also still remind myself that it has only been 2 1/2 months! I guess I need to keep my opinion of Mother's day. It is a holiday for the card companies. :) I don't really even know why we have mother's day. Shouldn't every day be mother/father/child/family day? Shouldn't we appreciate every day together and do for one another all the time? I don't know when the feeling of being a mom will come. Maybe there isn't a real feeling? Maybe I am putting too much pressure on this one, too?
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