Yesterday came with a lot of different emotions. I didn't blog last night because I wasn't quite sure how to put it all into words. As we sat in church, I replayed the last few years of my life. (I have clear memories of reactions and feelings in church) Four years ago we had just started trying to have a baby so it was just a "oh, I will probably have a baby in my arms next year" feeling. We weren't into the calendar counting phase yet, just seeing where we ended up without a ton of effort. Yes, that works for a lot of people....not us. :) Three years ago I was taking clomid and was an emotional mess on this Sunday as well as many others. That pill was AWFUL. Two years ago I had miscarried and we were in the 'what next' phase. Last year, I knew about Olivia and I longed to have her in my arms. This year, we had her. There she sat--in my lap, sweet and everything we dreamed of. However, she has only been home two months. I love this child so much, but yesterday was a tough day for some reason. By the end of the day I thought if I hear "Happy Mother's Day" one more time I will scream! Truly, my day ended in tears.
I still struggle with feeling like a mother. As my mom and many have told me, that is a feeling some struggle with even after giving birth. I don't doubt it. I put so much pressure on myself that I seem sad at the end of the big day/event. Maybe it is because the day is over? I really don't know. This doesn't always happen, but it does happen too often. I don't know what I expect??? I don't know what a mother feels like??? Some moments, I have felt very much like her mother, others, I still feel like a babysitter. It really stinks to have these mixed feelings because I wanted/want Olivia SO much. I know I love her. I can't imagine her not being here now. I look forward to seeing her in the morning (not too early), and I love to snuggle with her. We have our moments of frustration, but I know that comes with the territory. I also still remind myself that it has only been 2 1/2 months! I guess I need to keep my opinion of Mother's day. It is a holiday for the card companies. :) I don't really even know why we have mother's day. Shouldn't every day be mother/father/child/family day? Shouldn't we appreciate every day together and do for one another all the time? I don't know when the feeling of being a mom will come. Maybe there isn't a real feeling? Maybe I am putting too much pressure on this one, too?
IO Hawk Review
9 years ago
Oh Laura, I'm right there with ya:)
ReplyDeleteIt's been 9 months and I still struggle with the mom/babysitter feelings at times, especially during those few moments when she will still push me away. My three bio kids never pushed me away when I was trying so hard to be mom so I struggle with that quite a bit. But, then I try to see myself through HER eyes. I'm the lady who splashes her in the bathtub to make her laugh, I'm the one who catches her when she's running too fast down the driveway, I'm the one who blows on her food when it's too hot and I'm the one who fixes her hair and reads her favorite book in bed at night- I could go on and on. Sure, these are all things a babysitter could do but I'm a constant, I'm there 24/7. And even on days when I'm technically not because I'm at school I remind her that I always come back when I rush into her classroom at daycare and throw my arms out so she can run into them laughing and giggling. She is still not talking so she doesn't call me mom, but, when she cries for me when I leave, and when she crawls onto my lap with her blankie, and when she brings something to show me with a big smile on her face it's just like she's saying "hey, mom." So even though I don't always have those mom feelings yet I honestly think she does:) and that will encourage me
You're an awesome mom!!
That's why I love reading your blog. It's so honest.
ReplyDeleteYou know, sometimes, even though my children are biological and I didn't have to wait a lick of time for them (save the 9 months they were in-utero!), I still look around sometimes and think, "Did that little person just call me mom? Does she want me to do something for her? Who put ME in charge?!" And other times I just want to run away. BUT, I would give my life for them in an instant. It's an interesting juxtaposition.
Feelings are just plain unreliable! If I only based how good of a mom I was on my "mom feelings" the courts should just come on and take them away =) I would most definitely be found lacking! I think we all would, if we were honest.
Jesus died so that we didn't have to live in bondage and guilt. Take hold of that, and remember that His mercies are new EVERY Morning!!
Press on to your good work! She's a doll.