During the hectic Thanksgiving break, our little one turned 17 mos. and our wait hit the 8 mos. mark since we first saw Olivia's face. In some ways, it is hard to believe that it has been that long, in other ways, I feel like I should be 100 yrs. old because I have been waiting so long! I wonder what milestones she is making each month.
As we decorated our house for Christmas, John and I talked about how next year Olivia will be here making things much more interesting and fun!
I continue to pray believing, but the news is definately daunting. Seriously, has anyone heard anything about Korea in the news in the last 20 or so years?!?! Now?? Really?? Can't the N. Koreans hold off a bit, or just leave the S. Koreans alone? Then you have our wonderful people here in the states that make us look like total morons by reporting what Clinton and Rice have said in private. Really?! We need other countries to have some respect for us! Come on people, can't you see I am trying to become a mom!
There is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I can see it, but I am scared. What if Korea goes to war? What if things get so dangerous that they won't allow children out? These fears, while may seem exaggerated to some are very real to me. We have had so many disappointments that I am terrified to allow myself to really let this be real.
Yes, Olivia has a room, her pictures are all over our house, we talk about her, but will she ever REALLY come home? Will my arms ever really be wrapped around her?
I have these fears and then at the same time see her playing in the back yard or me changing her diaper or rocking her (per her allowing me to do so). I also think about going through this process the 2nd (and hopefully 3rd) time with our house becoming full of precious Korean beauties. My head is in a war with itself. I can understand if we had waited 4 mos. or so. When we were first told that it would only be 4 mos., I thought that seemed like an eternity.....now here we are at 8. I think the longer it is the less 'real' it seems. I am not being cold hearted....I love her and cannot wait to meet her, but I am fearful to completely let my heart fall. So, if I come across negative, that is me protecting myself from more heartache.
Another thing I came across as we (I) decorated the house were the Christmas cards that I purchased 3 Christmases ago. I bought them in hopes of sending them out the following year because John and I had begun trying to start a family within that previous year.(Darn that 5 yr. rule that we agreed on--no really, I wouldn't have had it any other way. We needed that time.):) I could just see that sweet infant and Oscar on the front of our cute card. God definately had a different direction for our lives in which I am truly grateful for, but ready to see the wonderful benefits and experience the joy that Olivia will bring to us and our family! So, here we are.....3 years later and I still have an empty Christmas card. As I tucked them away yet again, I said, "next year!" Now....I am sending out a card this year, but don't get too excited. It is just a little quicky I made.
Apparently, I am a bit stressed. My eye has now twitched for 2 weeks then a 2 week break and now for 3 1/2 weeks straight! Who knew the effects of all this could be so physical? Sorry if this post is whiny or blah....that is kinda where I am. Each day is a day closer, I think. It is also another day of worry and fear that I may never get to meet the sweet girl that I have been falling in love with and calling my daughter for the last 8 mos. I expressed my fears to John and his response was, "well, if she isn't meant to be ours, then we won't be able to get her." Oh to be so 'to the point' and upfront. However, I know this is his way of 'protecting' his heart.
I see it as if we don't get her then that must mean that I don't deserve to get to be a mommy and what have I done wrong? What can I do to fix it to make sure we get to have her? John doesn't think that is the case, but really girls, where would your mind go? I know God doesn't work that way. I know he isn't punishing me, but these are just where my head is and my fears seem to be coming out on the blog tonight.
I have many friends who I have watched get pregnant, have babies, enjoy them and then get pregnant for the second time. I think I am up to 88 to be exact (maybe more by now)....NO JOKE! They are Everywhere! Don't get me wrong...most of them I am beyond happy for! I love getting to love on their babies! (Not so much happiness for the teenagers or the ones that don't take care of one child much less the 5th child. --that is a whole other post.) I just want to get to be mommy to one sweet asian girl. One less orphan! She deserves to come home to people who care so much about her. I also realize that if for some reason she doesn't come home (due to the crazy world and the current Korean status) that she will become an orphan at 14. Out on the streets! No life to speak of. She would be taken from her foster home and put into an orphanage until she comes of age to be let go. That isn't fair to her....she has parents right here in TN. She is a gorgeous girl with a wonderful full future ahead of her once she is home with us. The only thing lacking is one piece of paper and she is ours!
On a lighter note.....a friend is ready for her second Korean cutie!!! Yay MaryLeigh! She has one precious son and he needs a brother! Head over to her blog www.abrotherforbates.blogspot.com and check out her first fundraiser! Help her get that second baby home!
Olivia is going to LOVE her sweet Korean friends! All boys, but she will have a blast!! I love that they will all be close in age.
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