One week down...

This week was a week of more 'first's' for our family. On Tuesday, I went back to work leaving Olivia here with John for the day. That was hard, but the hard part came when I left Olivia at mom and dad's on Wednesday. Knowing that was day one of 180 seemed sufficating to me. But, we made it! One week down. On Wednesday, Olivia had the entertainment of my cousin's two kids Mia and Ian.

They came Tuesday night to our house to swim and eat dinner, so I also got to enjoy their company.

When I left Olivia Wednesday morning, she seemed ok. I told her I would be right back and she pointed at me and said, "be back." She looked unsure as I headed out the door, but was not crying. Mom said she did really well when I picked her up Wednesday afternoon. I am not sure who was more tired...me, Olivia, or mom? Thursday, I left and she was reaching for me and crying. She was so tired. Mom said that passed quickly, but it weighed on me all day. Friday morning, we got up and had a few minutes at home before heading to my parents, and I think that helped both Olivia and me. We stayed home and played all day today and then enjoyed time with Jimmy and Danyell tonight (post on that tomorrow) :)
I can't help but wonder what Olivia is thinking? Did she wonder why we didn't put her in the car at the crack of dawn in her pj's today? Did the look of fear I saw in her eyes Wednesday when I handed her to mom with her bag make her think of when her fostermom handed her to me with a bag? Does she wonder why all of a sudden I am not spending all day with her? Does she think, "what did I do wrong?" since I am not with her all day now? These are just a few of my worries. Yes, I know her thoughts are probably not that complex at this point, but it still worries me. I wouldn't do anything to mess up all the progress that we have made. She has been through so much! In all honesty, I am also jealous of the time that mom and dad get to spend with her. I know....that is silly. However, when I get there to pick her up she prefers them initially. If she wants to be picked up, she goes to them to say up. I feel a bit like chopped liver for a while in the afternoons. I have to get over it, I know. I know it is dumb to feel that way, but everyday, everything we do, I still think about attachment. Other adoption friends will know and probably understand that irrational fear/worry. In my head, one of my worries is that she may think, "these people are fun...I can just stay here." Why wouldn't she want to live with someone else at this point. I mean, we have been fun for the last 5 1/2 months, but why not move on? Poor thing doesn't know any different at this point. The "mommy shopping" is something that most of you have never thought of unless you have adopted a child. It is something that is terrifying to me!!! I want her to know WE ARE IT! We are her mom and dad. I hate the feeling of that constant insecurity. When will that fade?
I don't do anything anymore without thinking, "how will this affect Olivia now? --in the longrun? Is this putting her first?" I know I have said it several times, but you couldn't have told me that I would be so in love with her at this point. I am not sure the day or time that it happened, but it happened. This girl has changed our lives and we are so blessed by that! We love her to pieces and I guess I am still worried about heartbreak. There is a lot of that in the adoption process -- on all sides!

Well, all in all, I think the week was successful. She had fun and I know my parents had fun with her being there. They are crazy about her. I can actually tell that dad is laughing with her while she is in the swing by looking at the side of his face in this picture.

Mom told me several things they did, and I know Olivia is having fun! She helped water the flowers, do laundry (she loves to "help"), played with toys, colored, got to swing, and much more! (where are pictures of all that stuff, Grammy?) :) Yes, I took my camera to their house for them to take pictures of her so I don't miss out.
I still hate that I have to drag her out of bed in the mornings, and I really dread the winter months. That just seems mean. I hate knowing that I don't get the majority of the hours in the day with her, but I know she is ok. I know she is being loved by her Grammy and Grampy. I also know that I am missing "firsts" and I am missing her goofy laugh. I am missing breakfast and lunchtime with her.
We will adjust. It will just take time. In the meantime I just keep telling myself, "smile and fake it till ya make it!" I can do this!!!